Abundance

There's an exhaustion on my back

that pain in between my shoulders

a headache blurring my vision

and a dull ache in my heart

The loss of another soul in the news

and someone else a victim of violence 

lives taken away by the street 

I'm painfully aware of things 

I'm not sure if there's a darker cloud 

or if I'm just feeling more reality 

There's also this golden beauty 

an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude 

the outpouring of support 

shining through the shattered glass

I ache through every single fiber of my soul 

it helps to know I'm not alone 

but I cry for every human 

that hurts as bad as I do 

I put my hope in solidarity 

and the good intentions of friendship 

maybe we'll make it through 

one day at a time 

Dreamless Whisper

There was a time where

I had these broken dreams

of the lingering memories of Eden

Personal heaven and boundless joy

feelings of the intimacy between 

the great mother and her imperfect creation 

I can almost grasp the ecstacy 

almost percieve the formless emotions 

becoming the emptiness of being unborn 

and then I'm suddenly awake

aware of the imperceptible darkness 

crushing my chest and grasping 

my brain in an icy vice 

Sleeping becomes a refuge 

even though the veil is transitory 

an illusion conceived as a mechanism of defense 

I'll dream about suicide 

and while in the middle of terror 

my heart pounds mournfully 

sweat on my brow 

while I silently and simultaneously wish

the nightmare was real

Last Rites

One of the first things I remember

is the voice of a gentle man 

a holy man both in word and deed

Even as a newly emergent life

I could feel his connection to God

he was there to guide me

back to the creator energy from where I came

but the universe had other plans

I've stood in that place 

several times since 

even though I could just slip away 

the overpowering whim of self preservation 

takes control and subconsciously 

I fight for every single breath 

while I'll live every moment as if it's my last 

pretending that every meal is the last

every conversation lingering 

meaningful because it could be the last

I fantasize about killing myself 

taking agency over a thing 

that I don't really control 

because deep down I know 

when it ends there won't be preamble 

some grandiose event or even a warning 

I'll just stop

flicker out like a candle 

Maybe I obsess because lately 

it seems like I'm constantly touched 

by some sort of loss

painfully aware of the fragility of it all

Maybe I'm just tired 

of seeing my own death in my dreams 

Maybe it's just noise 

Indulge

Ninety days ago I made a decision

to quit dulling my senses

to stop with the alcohol 

and open myself up to things 

that I've been avoiding most of my life 

There's definitely a better sense of purpose 

a clarity of emotional energy

not necessarily a better picture 

but at least I see the picture now 

More of a physical feeling 

my entire body vibrating with the sound 

of the throbbing pulse of reality 

People existing and broadcasting 

I'm absorbing it all

and it is a beautiful thing 

to be able to observe and interpret 

so many different layers and nuance 

At the same time 

I'm drowning in this nebula 

too many things are hitting all at once 

I'm processing like a road flare 

and I'm going to burn out

sooner rather than later 

The floodgates remain fully open 

I pour this confusion into things 

items for consumption bit by bit

the audience sees the finale 

but not the entire production 

I don't trust anyone with the process 

but I hope what I put out there is enough 

when the light fades away 

Faded Exhausted

A joint burns lazily

I'm typing something or 

Playing music or

I'm taking a picture or video 

fully engaged with telling some sort of story

I'm always somewhere doing something 

even asleep I am caught in the middle 

Lately things have been more nebulous 

pulling the meaning from the images 

is harder and paradoxically easier 

When I'm awake I feel as if I'm asleep 

sleeping feels like running through wet cement uphill 

Exhaustion on my back and pulling my feet 

I'm drowning in myself

and this obsession to keep up the projection 

It's easy to stay unharmed 

If all I put out there is a hologram 

myself interpreted into being 

Deep inside there's this block of ice

pain I can describe 

but I never really let go

I wonder if I'll ever know new reality 

or if I'll keep up this spinning tale

until I breathe no more 

and people struggle with identification 

speaking for me

even though my entire being

is wrapped up in speaking for myself 

Wandering

Frosted grass shines brightly

in the icy sunlight of a partly cloudy day 

I combine people watching with 

my mundane errands

Observing the continued lunacy 

of humans bouncing off of each other 

The great Goddess of nature 

abundant with life and beauty 

even in the coldest of times 

Contrasting with too many souls 

caught in a situation 

or most likely, a series of situations

thier tents a multicolored backdrop 

against pillars of concrete 

Some seem almost jovial 

drinking beer and smoking weed

celebrating the fact that it isn't raining 

right now 

Others are clearly suffering 

experiencing the worst times of their lives 

A cacophony of emotional noise 

songs in the confusion 

confusion in the clarity 

the only thing I'm sure of

is that I feel it in my bones 

That ache deep inside my skull 

all the way through my feet 

I don't know what keeps me walking 

passing through all the places 

exposing myself to heartache

It's probably the optimism 

that thread of hope that lingers 

even though things seem hopeless 

And maybe this is the end of days

we might as well enjoy it 

Overexposure

I put myself out there

tip toe neck deep into discussions

I live and breathe to share my experiences 

not because I want attention 

but because I hope it helps

another human being to know 

they are not alone 

Nothing is a perfect circle 

sometimes my words have the opposite effect 

Someone gets defensive 

and they lash out

I'll admit to getting a bit snarky 

and saying things that are questionably funny 

Most often and at my core 

I try to be sincere and honest 

There are days I tell my stories 

where people will question my perception 

as if I'm not a witness 

to my own perception 

I'm wrong in my interpretation 

of life I've lived 

all I can do is say what I know 

and correct myself if presented 

with contradiction and further knowledge 

But you can't fucking tell me

That I'm missing the point 

when I say I've been abused 

when I say I've been hurt 

when I say some things just ache

for no reason you can understand 

It isn't my job to convince you 

of the reality of the situation 

all I can do is tell my version of the truth 

The Season

Depression has a foothold

on the shores of my innermost thoughts

Partial sun trying to cut through the gloom

an allegory of how happy I am

even though I ache with sadness

Everything seems out of focus

a subtle blur of vision

that might not even be real

but it feels real enough

I feel like screaming at the sky

while simultaneously wanting and wishing

I could sink completely into myself

The great mother, she comforts me

loving me even though the season is harsh

Dark winter always giving way

to the eternal warmth of spring

Yet I am tempted so tempted

to give up on myself

to give into that nagging urge

of self destructive behavior

even though I'm already killing myself

just slowly and in not so obvious ways

I love life, don't get me wrong

it is that back and forth

That keeps me walking forward

hoping for another breath another heartbeat

just so I can experience once more

Unfortunate News

As with everything lately

I heard about it on social media 

An acquaintance had passed away 

someone I didn't really know 

but he was a friend to many friends 

and I remember him being cool

the few times we met

The outpouring of concern is comforting 

support manifesting in amazing ways

an odd contrast to the vitriol 

flowing through the social veins 

Then in the same fucking breath 

Someone said that a degenerate 

had stolen from a dead man

potentially someone who had been 

supportive from a distance 

I really have no idea 

I'm not really involved at all 

but I ache the same regardless

Quarantine

I wasn't in a bad place

humanity a low din in the back of my mind 

laughing, joking, accepting quietly 

the tragic hilarity that is right now 

I had to get some kind of food

I've been living on trash perpetually 

indulging in the isolation 

avoiding what interaction is somewhat allowed 

As I entered the store

I felt a rush of distant nausea 

my mask weighing more than usual 

suddenly aware of prying eyes

and an abundance of anger and frustration 

I knew exactly what I wanted

but my mind was scrambled 

with the untidy feelings in the room

Everyone was in some sort of hurry 

I ended up with a dull pain 

right between my eyes 

and my heart felt like it was being squeezed

by a hot iron fist

I couldn't get out of there fast enough 

practiced calm belaying no indication 

of the extremes simmering internally 

I went back home and crawled inside 

my unhealthy food and other vices 

Staring at a familiar work of fiction 

glad to be away from it again 

sad that there's no real escape 

wishing I could blip completely out

only for a few moments in time